9
Oct/10

I married a wife beater I need marriage advice

by wisemrlove under Christian relationship advice, conflict resolution, Dating, Divorce, Marriage Advice, Questions and Answers, Relationships and marriage, Singles

I got this email from a young lady recently and it absolutely broke my heart, she wanted some relationship advice for her marriage and here is what the email said:

“Good afternoon Bro Paul, how are you? I pray all is well. My husband has beaten me once before we got marriage, this was while we were still engaged but i was still stupid enough to marry him. We just recently had a disagreement and he threatened to beat me again. Infact he hit me where i was lying down and forced me to get out of the house, leaving my daughter, who is bearly a year old behind.

Right now i feel like i’ve made the biggest mistake of my life marrying him. I dont want my daughter to watch me being beaten by her father, i experienced it and i hated my father it cause it eventually came on me.

I dont know if this could be in line with a generational curse. We recently just got married and i dont know if i can spend the rest of my life being scared of the man im suppose to love.

please help…what do i do?”

Here is my responce to her email, if you find yourself in this situation then maybe some of the advice will help you as well

Whenever I hear of a husband raising his hand to beat his wife it angers me so much, there is never any excuse for that kind of behaviour, even if he is angry, there are other ways to deal with the anger, there is no excuse for physical abuse and you shouldnt have to put up with it.

The problem is that you didnt deal with this issue in courtship when he showed you that he had the tendency to do this, when he hit you while you were still engaged to him, that was a warning sign and you should have let him know there and then that you will not put up with that kind of behaviour and you certainly shouldnt have married him until you were sure that he had dealt with his anger and abusive issues.

But when you find yourself in a situation like this then you have to be strong and stand up for yourself, if he feels he can get away with hitting you without any consequences then he will continue to do it.

I dont believe in divorce but I do believe that sometimes you might have to take yourself out of a dangerous situation until the issues has been sorted out, so it might be advisable to find an alternative place to stay,
while he gets help – that is of course if he realises that he needs help, if he feels there’s nothing wrong with him hitting you then you have an even bigger problem because not only are you living with a man that hits
you, but one who also doesnt see anything wrong with his behaviour.

I would also suggest speaking out, maybe to his family or someone you know that he respects, behaviours like these thrive on secrecy, and out of fear or shame you might be afraid to let people know what is going on, but you need to expose this behaviour and bring it out in the open otherwise it will continue and you will be living in constant fear of the one who is supposed to be the love of your life and your protector.

If you are a believer, I suggest making the issue known to your pastor and let them intervene as well.

In essence, what he is doing is bullying you and the only way to make a bully stop is to stick up to them, if you continue to play the victim, the bullying will continue, but when you stand up to the bully and they see
that you are strong and not afraid then they will stop.

Because he got away with it the first time and nothing happened, he now feels he can continue to hit you and the chances are that he will continue to hit you whenever you guys have a disagreement and the only way he can get you to do what he wants is to hit you and that is not acceptable.

You must fight it and stick up for yourself, I am not suggesting that you hit him back, and I am not suggesting that you become verbally abusive towards him, but you do have to be firm and let him know that you wont put up with it and that if it continues there will be consequences, you also need to expose the issue and not keep it a secret as a memntioned earlier, find someone that he listens to and respects and let them know what is going on.

The thing with life is that we will end up repeating the mistakes of our parents if we dont deal with those tendencies in our own lives, you mentioned that you saw your dad abusing your mum, and now your husband is abusing you in the same way, God forbid that if you dont deal with this issue now, when your daughter gets to the age of marriage that she ends up marrying an abuser as well, you must make sure that this thing stops with you, it does sound like a generational issue and it must be dealt with both spiritually and practically in some of the ways I have suggested.

And finally pray that God will touch his heart and deliver him from this abusive behaviour, marriage is for life and you are already in it so there is no going back, its for better or worse and when the “for worse” shows up then you need to turn to God for help. I know it will be hard to pray for someone that has caused you so much pain, but pray you must, you must dig deep into the God nature inside you and pray for him whole heartedly that God will touch him and deliver him from this abusive behaviour. The heart of kings are in Gods hand and he can turn it anyway he wants so never underestimate what God and prayer can do.

I hope this advice helps your marriage, please keep me posted on how things go.

I would also like to know what led to the two disagreements, both the one before marriage and the one after marriage, what was the disagreement about and what were your actions that he felt the only way to resolve it was to hit you?

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18
Sep/10

You Belong in the Assembly of the Successful Dont Let Them Tell You Otherwise

by wisemrlove under Become successful in life, Leadership, Self Improvement

Never let the opinions of others determine your self concept and what you think about yourself, you cannot afford not to know who you are, you cannot afford not to know your capabilities, and you cannot afford not to know that you are gifted, able and capable.

It is very dangerous when you don’t know who you are and where your strengths lie. Without a positive self concept people can damage your self confidence, they will try and make you feel inadequate, they will try and make you feel like you aren’t gifted, they will try and make you feel incapable, they will make you question your ability and most of the time it’s because they don’t know who they are and when they see you striving to move from the bottom to the top, they try to discourage you so that you stay at the bottom with them.

If you know who you are and have a positive self image then their negativity towards you won’t affect you because within you, you already know you are capable, you already know you have what it takes, you already know you are skilled, you already know you were born to do what you are doing, you already know where you are going and the potential and skills that lie within you, your positive self image will be your defense against their negativity. But if you don’t know who you are and the potential inside you, when you are faced with people who begin to doubt and criticize you, you might end up becoming a victim to their thoughts because you never took the time to cultivate your mind and transform it to believe in your purpose, potential and capabilities.

In essence what I am saying is that in life you will never go beyond the thoughts you have about yourself so you have to ensure that the thoughts you have about yourself are good thoughts, thoughts about your purpose and potential, thoughts of you making it, thoughts of you accomplishing your goals, thoughts of you being a champion, a winner, so that when people try to make you feel any less they won’t succeed and you will be able to rise above the negative concepts they have of you because you know who you are and therefore aren’t affected by their negativity.

If you don’t know who you are then their negative thoughts and comments will affect you and keep you at the bottom, making excuses, believing that you aren’t good enough, and believing that you can’t make it, believing that you’re just average and not anything special. Don’t let them keep you at the bottom, you are too good for the bottom, you are too skilled for the bottom, you are too gifted for the bottom, you have too much potential to stay at the bottom, you belong at the top, you belong in the assembly of the successful, the assembly of champions and winners, never let anyone tell you otherwise.

See more uplifting articles on success and life coaching articles at Executive and Life Coaching

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18
Sep/10

Can You Handle the Journey to Success and Freedom or Would You Rather Remain a Slave?

by wisemrlove under Become successful in life, Finding your purpose in life, Leadership, Self Improvement

The path to success will require work and effort; it will require you to move out of what is comfortable and predictable, to take risks and journey an unknown road knowing within you that this road will ultimately lead to your freedom and success.

For most of us, when we take the decision to step out and pursue our dreams, we are essentially going on a journey to the place we have envisaged in our minds, the only problem is that the road to that place is a road we have never travelled before and the journey can often be a long one full of obstacles and challenges on the way.

Because we are unfamiliar with the route we might sometimes get tempted to turn back and return to where we were coming from, we might become unsure of ourselves, we might begin to question the route and begin to wonder whether we are still going in the right direction because our desired destination seems so far away and the challenges we face on the way might make us feel that this journey is no longer worthwhile, we tell ourselves that it’s too hard, it’s too much effort, too many discouragements and too many road blocks and speed bumps on the way that slow down the journey, in the end we start to consider returning to the place we are more familiar and comfortable with, to the road we have already travelled and therefore can predict.
So we return to our predictable life, in our predictable jobs and predictable salary, instead of staying on that difficult road to the place of your purpose and destiny.

The journey to the place of your vision or dream is not going to be easy, the journey to freedom is never easy and essentially when we are talking about success and the accomplishment of a dream, we are ultimately talking about becoming free. Free from having to go to a job we hate, free from having to live in a house we hate, free from having to drive a car we hate, free from debt and not having enough money, free from getting stressed every time the bill comes in the mail because you barely have enough to pay them, free from the oppression of daily life, free to become yourself and live a life of significance and impact, touching and blessing the lives around you.

But with freedom comes responsibility and because many can’t handle being responsible, they prefer slavery to freedom because in a sense it is easier to be a slave than to be free, it is easier to have a job than to succeed in your own business.

When you are a slave, your slave master looks after you, you don’t have to worry about how you are going to eat because that is the responsibility of your master, your owner clothes and feeds you and as long as you carry out your duties as a slave then you don’t have to worry about anything. When you become free however, there is no more free food, no more free clothes, no more free house, with the freedom comes the responsibility to be able to survive without your master and many can’t cope and as a result they want to return to being a slave even though they are now free, because freedom is hard and requires you to be responsible.

It’s almost the same with making the transition from being an employee to starting your own business and becoming your own boss. As an employee, you know that there is a pay guaranteed at the end of the month, but once you step out to start a business, there is no longer a guaranteed pay at the end of the month, now you have to learn how to market your business and take care of your finances and manage your resources and make sure that the cost of running your business is covered as well as make enough sales to keep your business afloat and because many can’t cope with the responsibility that comes with having their own business they trade their freedom back for the predictable life of being an employee.

Many dream of freedom but can’t handle the responsibility that comes with freedom so they return to the comfortable and predictable life of being a slave because at least they have a guaranteed roof over their head and free food and clothes, rather than staying on the tough and rough journey that will ultimately lead to them having the true freedom to control their life and circumstances, they lack the tenacity and mental toughness that’s required to become truly free.

I encourage you to stay on the journey to your dream and never turn back from the road that leads to the vision you have for your life, it might be tempting to stay with what’s familiar and comfortable but true success and freedom only comes to those who stay on that tough journey because at the end of that journey is the place you truly desire to be and until you get to that place you will never be truly satisfied with your life.

Those who stay on that tough journey to freedom and success and arrive at their desired destination will always rule over those who turn back. Which category will you fall in, those who complete the journey or those who turned back and return to slavery? You choose where you end up in life, your destiny is in your hands, even when God has a purpose for you, you won’t accomplish it if you don’t give it what it takes.
Because God gives you a vision doesn’t mean the journey will be easy, he gave Joseph a dream that he would be a ruler someday but didn’t tell him that the route to that dream will require him to be sold in slavery and end up a prisoner. There will doubtless be challenges on the journey but if you stay on the journey and don’t turn back, you will arrive at your destination.

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16
Sep/10

I refused his sexual advances and now he has become distant

by wisemrlove under Christian relationship advice, Questions and Answers, Relationships and marriage, Singles

I recently dated a very nice guy for close to seven months. We had a wonderful relationship. We both enjoyed each other tremendously. We attend the same church and our church is very adamant about no sex prior to marriage.

That being said, I believed that my guy friend and I shared the same views. One night while sitting just talking my guy friend informs me that he would like to become intimate. I inform him that I would be too embarrassed to return to the church if I did.

Not immediately but shortly thereafter he became distant. I continued to ask him why so much distance between us and he informed me that lately he had become busy. I told him I felt he was trying to end the relationship by putting the distance in between us and that he was free to move on.

We are no longer seeing each other. (I believe it is because I would not become intimate with him) I miss him so much and I wish to continue to date him but I am waiting on him to make the first move. My gut tells me that he still really likes me (he continues to watch me at church and through internet connections) and I know that I really like him.

I don’t want to be the first to call him because I want to know that he was not just dating me for the sex. We have not spoken for 4 months and it feels like forever. Can you give me any advice on how to handle this situation. I have been told to ignore him and he will be back.

WiseMrLove’s Response:

Well the first thing I would like to commend you on is that you didn’t allow yourself to fall into temptation, it’s not easy to resist intimacy with someone you really like and I commend you on being obedient to the word of God.

I can’t help but feel that this man didn’t have the best of intentions for you. From the way he has responded since you refused his advances, it shows that he was only after one thing to begin with. A good man would not even have put you in that position in the first place, knowing what the word of God says about sex outside of marriage, it shows that he is a man that will compromise and isn’t fully committed to being obedient to Gods way of doing things and that’s not the kind of man you want in your life.

I know that at this stage in your life you do want that companionship, but this man just doesn’t sound like the right person for you, his actions shows that he probably isn’t even interested in anything long term and he probably didn’t seek God before approaching you. If he was truly sincere about his intentions for you then he should still want to be with you regardless of whether you are intimate with him or not. The fact that he became distant after you refused him shows that he didn’t approach you because he felt God was leading to have a relationship with you and if a relationship isn’t God ordained it will eventually collapse, you cannot do relationships outside of Gods principles, he created the thing and outside of his principles the thing won’t work.

Normally I tell ladies to pray to God to reveal the heart of the man that is pursuing them, so that you know whether he has the right intentions or not, but in this case, you don’t need to pray about it because he has already shown you what was in his heart. You should be thanking God that you didn’t become a prey to him.
To be honest with you, I know that you still want a relationship with him because you still like him, but I don’t think he deserves you, you sound like a God fearing woman who wants to do the right thing and a relationship with this man might cause you to eventually compromise your stand. You might be able to resist his sexual advances at first but the chances are after a while it will become harder to resist and you might eventually fall.

I encourage you to really pray and seek God for guidance on this. You deserve a good man and I don’t want you to fall into the wrong hands of someone that will use you and then leave you. I pray that God will bring a good man into your life, one that will treat you right and love you unconditionally, one that won’t make you compromise your stand for God, I just don’t think that this particular guy is that man.

God Bless

WiseMrLove

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16
Sep/10

He has a girlfriend but I told him I’m in love with him and he hasnt responded

by wisemrlove under Christian relationship advice, Questions and Answers, Singles

Question:

A young girl of 17 is in luv with a 23 year old man. She has told him twice that she is in luv with him however he has not responded. They are still friends. The guy is dating another gurl at the moment but despite this she is still in love with him. Should she still be in love with him? Should she just move on? Is she too young as she is in university? Does the guy have any feeling for her? is he unsure? The fact that they still talk together as friends… would it work? Would it not? These are these are the questions on her mind.

WiseMrLove’s Response:

I think the girl needs to respect the relationship the guy is in. He is already committed to someone and the fact that he has not responded to her telling him that she is in love with him probably shows that he is not interested in her in that way.

And think about it, if he was to stop dating this other girl because of your advances and started dating you instead, then what is the assurance you have that the next time another girl comes along and tells him that she loves him, that he won’t leave you and do exactly the same thing to you. Is that the kind of man you want?

You never want to be the reason a relationship ended, you never want to be the cause of a break up because what you sow you will reap. Yes you have feelings for him but you have to learn to control your feelings. If he is in a relationship then let him be, if the two of you are supposed to be together then it will happen but don’t force things.

Also it’s not really a good idea to tell a guy you are in love with him when the two of you are not in a relationship, if you like a guy, you can give him signs that you like him but don’t make it easy for him. A man has to chase otherwise if you make it easy for him he won’t respect you, and what he didn’t work to get he will easily walk away from. That’s the way I look at it.

If he was interested, trust me, he would have responded when you told him you were in love with him, the fact that he hasn’t responded probably means that he isn’t interested and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings because he is your friend. Guys don’t play games, when a guy really likes a girl and he knows she likes him, he will go for the chase, if he aint chasing, knowing that you are in love with him, trust me, he isn’t interested.

Hope you appreciate my honesty. My advice is to move on, @ 17 you still have your whole life ahead of you and you are in university, you need to concentrate so you can do the best you can in your studies, you don’t need the ups and downs and drama that comes with relationships. There is plenty of time to get into a relationship and besides, pressuring a guy to leave his girlfriend to be with you instead is never a good foundation to build a relationship on, it might back fire on you in the future.

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